I work in a secular environment as well as a Christian environment at the moment. Two totally opposite worlds, two totally different sides of the spectrum. At my job in the church I am surrounded by leaders and peers who are walking in characteristics of Christ. They know boundaries, they know how to communicate with love, and there is an underlying standard that most everyone lives up to here because of the setting. Whereas in my secular work environment, there is a distinct difference in the way people treat each other and the way situations are handled. I believe that by working there I am learning a lot about how to set boundaries, how to, in a sense, demand respect, and how to love unconditionally. I am constantly having to re-evaluate my boundaries with what people say to me, how people touch me, and what lines can and cannot be crossed.

I will admit that a restaurant setting isn’t the best to grow in, but for me, it’s a greenhouse of situations that I am able to directly assess and figure out. The other night we had situation to where one of my co-workers was verbally attacked by a customer, to the point where I thought he could have easily slugged her because of the rage he was in. I walked up on the situation, but did not stand up for her, nor did I support her in the moment. I watched it happen from the sidelines, when I should’ve stepped in. Later realizing that the appropriate action would to have had her back in the moment, and then call the cops to escort the man out, I was briefly filled with regret. But how was I supposed to know how to handle a situation like that? I realized that in order to know how to stand up in situation such as that one, I need to know to stand up for myself and others in smaller scale situations.

The other night at work, there were four business men who had my friend backed into a corner being really flirtatious and taking pictures of her. I calmly walked up, crossed my arms, and stood beside her. As she tried getting me involved I firmly but kindly said no, but continued to stand there. They finally left, and I believe that something clicked inside of her that the situation wasn’t right. Even though she’s not a Christian, she realized that I was standing there because I wanted to protect her from the situation. Later she found me to thank me…I’m not sure she’d ever had someone stand up for her in that situation before. I would had never had done that before, but I’m teaching myself to be there when I need to be.

The more I think of it, the more I realize that throughout my whole life I’ve allowed people to cross boundaries that they shouldn’t cross. From situations when I was a kid to just recently, and I’m realizing that it’s time for that to stop.

I know who I am, and no matter what label I carry, no matter who I am to anyone else, I have lines that are not to be crossed.

rcd

I’m going to go ahead and say that I have the best boy, no comparison. Even along with my drugged responses, my messy curls, sloppy pajamas, and a mouth without feeling, he made every effort to be my helper. He made me smoothies and even fed them to me the first day, sat by me while I slept, changed my gauze, and never let me need a thing. You learn how much someone truly loves you when they kiss you on the cheek, push your tangles behind your ears, and help you take your medicine at the crack of dawn.

I don’t usually prefer to talk so much sentiment about my love, but what can I say?

I couldn’t be happier.

But how am I supposed to grow? How am I supposed to learn? If I am not allowed to try and try and again, I have no platform for improvement. I have no lessons to learn from, and no experience behind something I’d like to eventually perfect.

It’s to tell a lawyer that he must learn absolutely everything about law ever before handling his own case. Otherwise, he’s not fit for such a position. But what a terrible misunderstanding! A lawyer must learn the basics, the bookwork. And as soon as he does, he has to get out on his own two feet, and see what comes at him while figuring out technique along the way! Is his office not called a law practice?

I learn more in the moment of trial and error than I ever do when I’m trying to perfect anything in private.

I will not be ashamed to grow in front of others.

Whatever that looks like.

Anyways, Invictus is a must-see. Morgan Freeman was cast perfectly for the part of Mandela, and I can’t forget the unmistakeable performance by Matt Damon as the captain of the Springboks. The story of Mandela and the South African rugby team is more than an inspirational sports film. It’s about a man who was imprisoned for almost thirty years, who then became the president of a nation so divided as South Africa to somehow bring peace through the controversial rugby team. It is about leadership, unity, and the power of forgiveness to change the course of a nation. It portrays every political side of the story as well as every human side to culminate the absolute reality of this decade for South Africa. To say the least, I was highly impacted.

This morning as I told my boss about Invictus, he pulled out a 600 page book called the Long Walk to Freedom.  The autobiography of Nelson Mandela has been sitting on my desk all day, and it’s absolutely torturous not being able to pick it up and read it…

I admit, I sneaked a peek and read the first few pages. It’s wonderfully written, and I believe I’m not going to be able to put it down.

rcd

I’ve started a new job…a new real job might I add. Yes, I’m as proud as a girl could be who’s finally realizing that I’m making progress in this whole growing up scheme. Who would’a thunk I’d turn out to be obsessively organized and an administrative junkie?

While I’m at this new office-of-my-own-nine-to-five-desk-job, I crank on Pandora. I was introduced to Pandora a few years ago, and never found any interest in it at all. But now that I have this new work computer that doesn’t have any of my preferred music uploaded, Pandora comes quite handy. Especially with the fact that you can input exactly what you’re in the mood for, and up comes a collaboration of music in that genre.

Today I decided I’d go for subtle/piano/indie style music…A Fine Frenzy was my input. And since then I’ve been listening to woman after woman sing about love, liberty, and heartbreak. It’s not bad, mind you, I was the one who chose this station, right?

But good grief, I can only take a certain amount of women proclaiming their war-torn hearts all over the airwaves before I’m swayed into thinking that I’m unusual, not quite liberal enough for my own good, and need to reconsider this whole dating for serious thing. How on earth do secular relationships ever work out?

I think I’m going to go home, write some music myself, and skip the lyrics.

rcd

When God said that He is our Provider, He meant it. He doesn’t say things He doesn’t mean. But how can He truly provide for us if we’ve back-up plans for when He doesn’t come through exactly how we’d like Him to?

I’m done with back up plans.They, too, are forbidden.

So here’s the deal. It’s me and it’s Him. That’s it. And I’m dang happy about it. I don’t understand everything just yet, and honestly don’t think I’ll ever get to a place where I do understand everything. But I’m right on track, and worrisome, I am not.

rcd

Have you ever known exactly where you belonged, who you wanted to be, and who you wanted to be with? I’ve thought so too. I’ve been in and out of love time and time again with different cityscapes, friendlies, and cultures. So often I’ve deeply known: this is where i’m supposed to be. I just know it.

Then, as soon as I can become accustomed to knowing that nothing could suite me more perfectly, I am swept away by an unwavering set of circumstances, throwing my hopes and dreams off course. Not out of sight, but off course enough to have me trying to re-write this map of mine. Yes, it’s one of those years.

I’ve felt shame for not having a concrete plan. Shame for letting my naivete decide where my next step is rather than the wisdom that I’m supposed to have at this age. But there is where my true question lies! At this age, twenty years old, am I supposed to have the wisdom to know exactly how to go about all this? If so, I am only beginning to catch up to the rest of the Y Generation! But, at the same time, considering my circumstances I believe that I have a good grip on reality and wisdom. So where do I fall? Ahead? Or behind?

Oh gosh. If nothing else, I’m being educated throughout the process.

Forgive my rhetorics.

grace and grace,

rcd